


To Belong and Longing to Be

by aidsaf



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Exes, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension, non-HEA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-09-30 15:14:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17226407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aidsaf/pseuds/aidsaf
Summary: It's been two years and nine months since she slammed the door in his face and moved across the world. It's been two years and nine months since she saw his face. It's been two years and nine months since she promised herself to never look back, that leaving was for the best. And now she's supposed to spend three days with him under the same roof. Ben. Ben Solo. Not just a name but a state of mind Rey never wants to revisit.





	1. Seasons

**Author's Note:**

> Shit, this is my first fic ever and I can't wait to share it with you. I hope you enjoy.

It had been two years and nine months since she'd last been in New York.

Two years and nine months of wondering how the city had moved on in her absence.

When she left most of the leaves had fallen, and those who had not were fighting for their lives to escape the inevitable end. All brown and dry. Rotten even.

Returning now, fall had turned to winter for the third time since the last time she had set foot here. Rey had never enjoyed the winter or the cold, especially in New York. As she looked out from the window of the car she remembered why. A white christmas was a lie. Something that never happens. Something you tell yourself to get your hopes up: that maybe  _this_ year winter will treat you better. That it will not be as cruel as past years. She didn't particularly like the snow, but she preferred it over angry skies and harsh winds. But as she looked closer - noticing that all the living things that were on the brink of death were now indeed dead - the grey sky, the only thing that seems to remain constant, was kind of comforting. 

”So, how does it feel to be back?” 

Finn, who had just picked her up from the airport, smiled at her. Rey fidgeted in her seat. Honestly, it was bringing up a lot of memories she would rather live without. It was hard to not associate the city with who she was almost three years ago. The life she was living three years ago. She looked over to him and flashed him the brightest smile she could muster. She was happy. She really was. She should be. 

”It feels great! I’ve missed you all so much," she answered. It wasn’t a lie. Even though the two years and nine months in London had been much needed she had missed her friends. After all, they were the closest to a family she’d ever known. She wanted to come home. 

”We’ve missed you too! You have no idea how happy Poe and Rose were when they found out that you are coming back,” Finn said while keeping his eyes on the road.

”You'll see them soon! I don't think we're that far away.”

She was nervous. Luke had invited them over for Christmas, as he always does. So Rey knew that she would meet Leia.

Leia, who she promised to keep in touch with. Leia, who took her hands and told her that she could always come back. Leia, who was like the mother she had searched her entire life for.  

 

___________________________

 

As they turned in to Luke’s driveway, a familiar grand wooden house reared up before them. Unlike the city, everything was covered in snow. White, sparkling snow that was almost blinding. She remembers the first time she saw this house, how floored she had been by how enormous it was and its beautiful veranda. The veranda that was now covered in Christmas decorations.

She remembers Ben gripping her hand. She remembers feeling his consuming anxiety as if it was her own. 

Finn turned the engine off and shifted his body to fully look at her. He was chewing his lip, seeming hesitant.

"What?" 

”Um. There’s a thing I need to tell you before we go inside... there might be a slight chance that Ben is joining us.” Finn looked at her with concerned eyes while fiddling with the car keys. 

”Oh.” 

”I hope that’s okay? I mean, it is a large house and we are only spending three days here so maybe you won’t even be in the same room during our stay? I mean, it's a large house you know?” he says quickly.

He suddenly becomes quiet when noticing her lack of response. She doesn't know what to tell him though, especially when she can't really grip what he's telling her. Is he really coming? Here? No. That can't be right. 

"Are you sure?" 

”Rey… I’m sorry. If you want I can turn the car around and we can spend the holidays together watching movies and eating take-out. Just like old times?” Finn continues carefully.

She shakes her head and tries to convince him with a dismissive wave of her hand.

”No, no. It’s okay. Don’t worry, it's almost been three years and we are both adults. It’ll be fine.”

_Fuck_. Ben. _Ben Solo._ Not just a name but a state of mind Rey never wants to revisit.

She grits her teeth and tries to force a smile. 

”How come he’s coming? Isn’t Leia and Luke going to be there?” She asks as effortlessly she can while feeling the thumping of her heartbeat in her ears. 

”Actually, he’s been joining us the last two years.” he shrugs while stepping out of the car to get their bags.

_Had he been celebrating Christmas with his family the last two years?_   The person she knew three years ago couldn't even be under the same roof as his parents for five minutes, let alone three days. And since when did they call him _Ben_? Rey took a deep breath and pushed open the passenger door to follow Finn. It’ll be fine, she tries to convince herself. _Just fine. Fine, fine, fine._

”I can practically hear you thinking,” Finn says as he carries the bags up the stairs to the front door.

”It’ll be okay, I promise” he whispers while knocking. Rey nods in response - unsure about if she's trying to convince him or herself. 

While waiting for someone to open the door, she looks back at their footprints in the snow. 

_It was spring when she was here with him._


	2. Confrontations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos, it means so much!!

”Guys, it’s Rey! I’ll get it!” she could hear Rose squealing. The front door flew open and a grinning Rose attacked her. 

Over Rose’s shoulder she could see Poe approaching with a wide smile. Poe grabbed her wrist and tugged her away from Rose. He kissed her cheek and gave her a tight hug.

"I missed you." 

”Yeah, I missed you too,” Rey sighed contentedly. Maybe the weekend would go by smoothly? Why shouldn’t it? She was with her friends that she hadn’t seen in years. She should just enjoy her stay as much as possible. Maybe Ben wouldn’t even show up? 

As if on cue, she heard a familiar voice that made her stomach flip. Reminding her of comforting embraces, hourly conversations and braids that filled her with a sense of belonging - a belonging she had looked for her entire life. But the strong voice also reminded her of a promise she broke, breaking a dam of guilt. 

”You coming in? We want to see Rey too!” Luke yelled from the kitchen. Handing her coat to Finn, she then followed Rose and Poe in to the kitchen. Stepping in, her eyes instantly met Leia’s. Eyes just as dark as her son’s. 

Leia was looking at her with an unreadable expression from across the room, while cutting tomatoes alongside Luke at the cooking island. A kind of expression she had never been met by from her.

Leia would always greet her with a warm embrace and bombard her with questions and compliments. But now, it was… nothing. A coldness spread through Rey’s body as she struggled to breathe. She swallowed and waved awkwardly.

”Hello,” Rey said looking down at the dark marble tiles, breaking Leia’s penetrating gaze.

There was a slight pause, in which Luke kept glancing between Leia and Rey. 

Leia looked at her carefully and said, ”Hello, Rey.” 

Luke set down the knife he had in his hand and ran over to embrace her. Rey squeezed her eyes shut and breathed him in. He smelled like a forest, a distinct scent of pine tree and rain. ”Don’t worry, she’ll come around. She just missed you,” he whispered in her ear. He then leaned back and winked at her. Rey smiled back, struggling to keep her tears at bay. 

There was a moment of silence, until Finn barged in.

”It’s really nice to see you and all, but where’s the dog?”

”Ah, Ceasar is sleeping. He got tired of waiting for you two.” Poe smiled, draping his arms around Finn from behind. 

They were so sickeningly sweet that she had to look away. Being loved like that wasn't common. She was aware of that. 

Rey cleared her throat. ”Need any help?” 

”No, we'll manage," he chuckled. "You kids, go show Rey and Finn their rooms and make yourselves useful! I’ll tell you when the dinner is ready”

 

___________________________ 

 

Just like the rest of the house, the rooms were decorated with warm colors such as beige and brown. Rey and Rose’s room was no different, but instead of one bed there were two twin beds in the middle of the room. Rose flopped down on one of the beds, pointing Rey to the other. She dropped her bag beside her bed and leaned against the wall to look out the window.

It had started to snow. Last time she was here, she was supposed to share a room with Ben, the room just across the one she was staying in right now.

However the last time she was here, they were probably on their way back home by this time. 

”I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about Ben joining us, we weren’t sure of how you would react. We really wanted to see you," she sighed. "But we thought maybe you’d cancel if you knew.” There was his name again, _Ben._ Why did they call him that?

”No, no, it’s okay! Really. Don’t worry about it,” Rey waved her hand dismissively, as if it was nothing. 

”Okay, good. So how have you been? Tell me everything!” 

”Well, London is great. The people are nice, and it was nice to come home,” Rey lied. In fact, London had been a huge disappointment. She had gone hoping to find out more about herself, her childhood and hopefully her parents. Maybe the mother that would haunt her dreams. Sometimes it was a woman with a kind face and dark curly hair, but mostly it was just a silhouette. A distant memory of _someone_.

She’d hoped to find something she could call home. Or history. _Some kind of roots._ But when she’d finally arrived to the house where she was born and raised her first five years, all she felt was emptiness and disappointment. There was a new family living there now, a happy family. The world kept on turning and people seemed to have moved on, but somehow she was stuck. Stuck somewhere in a past life she couldn’t move on from.

”Were there any hot guys maybe? Didn’t you tell me about some guy you were going to dinner with?” Rose winked at her.

Rey met her eyes and hesitated, ”Yeah, it didn’t work out. It was a one night type of thing, nothing serious,” she said as nonchalantly as possible. In reality, it had been too early for any type of intimate relationship with anyone. She had followed some guy home and slept with him just to prove to herself that she was over Ben. That one night where she felt like the memories of him were drowning her.

It turned out to be a mistake. The whole thing felt like a bad memory, everything was a reminder of him and it all left her feeling sick. It felt like choking broken glass, which was not the numbing feeling she had searched for. When the guy had gone to sleep she had quietly sneaked out of his apartment and went home. Rey didn't even remember his name, or maybe she didn’t bother to learn it in the first place. 

Rose looked at her with worried eyes and just as she was opening her mouth to say something she heard Luke calling them down to dinner. 

”Guess we should join them downstairs?” Rey asked.

”Yeah,” Rose said quietly, deep in thought. 

As they went down the stairs she heard an unfamiliar female voice laughing from outside.

”Ben, come on! We are already super late, could you please hurry up?” 

”Maybe if you didn’t pack for a whole month or helped me carry our bags I would be able to move faster.” 

She would recognize that voice anywhere. Put her in a massive crowd, blindfolded, and she would know who that deep voice belonged to without hesitation. Rey gripped the banister for support as her breath hitched. They didn’t even bother to ring the doorbell, they just opened the door as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The Ben she had visited this house with had been pacing ten minutes in the driveway before walking towards the door. That Ben had gripped onto her as if she was his anchor in life. 

”We’re here!” the woman yelled. Rey couldn’t see them and she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to. _Who was she?_

Rose gripped her hand and lead her down towards the hall.

When they approached the rest of the group it felt like she had stepped in to a alternate universe where everyone, somehow, were friends with Ben as if _nothing_ had happened. They were all hugging - even Finn who had hated him was laughing at something he had said. She turned to look at Luke who was smiling proudly. She wondered if she really had lost it this time. If she really was going insane.

The last time Luke and Ben had been in the same room Ben had punched his fist through a wall. Now they were all acting as a big happy family.

It all felt like a cold shower. Rey couldn’t stop feeling like an outsider. Three years ago he wasn’t even _Ben_. When she had left him he went by _Kylo Ren -_  which had been another attempt to dissociate himself with his past. He had always been Ben to her though. _H_ _er_ Ben. Now she realised she’d lost that as well; the privilege to be the only one who got to call him by his real name. 

”Rey.” He was looking straight at her. He seemed surprised, shocked even. His deep dark brown eyes were burning wholes in her skull. It was like looking straight at the sun, it hurt. But it seemed like she couldn’t look away. It was hard to look away when she’d been in constant darkness for so long. 

He looked different. He seemed happy, which only made her sad. He seemed calm, which only made her miss the stormy person she once knew. 

”Hi,” she breathed out. 

The room went quiet, but he didn't seem to mind. He kept on looking at her with wide eyes, not seeming to believe that she really was here standing in front of him. 

”Rey, I’ve heard so much about you!” The unfamiliar woman approached her. She was beautiful, she noticed. Her long black hair, tanned skin and full lips left Rey feeling insecure. 

”Only good I hope.” 

”Of course. I’m Kira, Poe's sister." 

 _Kira._ Rey felt her heart sink to her stomach. Rey knew who Kira was. Rey had spent the entirety of her relationship with Ben comparing herself to her. Everytime Kira’s name had been brought up Ben had tensed and closed off completely. Sometimes he had pretended that Kira wasn’t someone special to him, but Rey knew. Rey knew how important she had been to him. How important she  _was._ Even though it now seemed like a lifetime ago, she couldn't help feeling a pang of jealousy spreading through her veins like poison. 


	3. Sun and Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for all the comments and kudos!! Shit, it makes me so happy seeing that you like this. Spurs me on to write, thank you thank you!! I initially wanted this chapter to be even longer, but I had to cut it in two - sorry!

”You have perfect timing! Dinner is on the table, go and sit beside your mother Ben,” Luke yelled from the kitchen, interrupting further conversation between the three. 

Rey was the last one joining them at the dinner table, which meant the only available seat was opposite Ben. _Of course, just her luck._ On one of his sides was Leia and as if it couldn’t get worse, Kira sat at his other side. _Perfect_. 

”So Rey, tell me about London! I heard you spent the last three years there, no? You have to tell us everything!” Kira said enthusiastically.

”Actually it’s been two years and nine months,” Rey muttered. She could feel Ben’s gaze on her. ”Uh, it’s been good. London is great, the people are nice and it was nice to come home,” she repeated the story she had told Rose, wishing Kira and the rest of them would drop the subject altogether. What was she supposed to tell them? That it had been the biggest mistake of her life? 

As if Rose somehow understood, she quickly changed the subject.

Rey was picking at her food, her appetite completely gone. She quickly glanced at Ben, who was still looking at her with an expression she didn’t quite know how to decipher. It was an expression he used to wear when trying to figure out something, _when trying to figure out her_. Maybe that was their problem from the start; they couldn’t seem to understand each other. Or maybe they understood each other too well. Maybe that was the reason they kept on picking at each other until there was only crumbs left. Crumbs she didn’t know what to do with. She remembers Leia once telling her that if a mirror breaks, you could always put it back together. Rey now knows that no matter how hard you try to put it back together, there will always be a crack in the mirror. A missing piece - always reminding one that it is _broken_.

”Leia, do you remember when these three were kids? Luke pointed at Kira, Poe and Ben. 

Leia chuckled and shook her head. ”How could I forget? Poe and Kira would force Ben to join them on their crazy adventures, and he would return home in the middle of the night apologizing." She sighed. "Oh, my little Ben was so shy.” Leia stroked Ben’s cheek softly, making him look like a young boy again.

”But they were a good influence on him, his nose was always buried in a book before he met them.” Rey noticed that the pain Leia used to have in her eyes when looking at Ben was completely gone, replaced with something that she would describe as pride. 

”Man, you were such a nerd when we were kids!” Poe laughed.

”He still is!” Kira chimed in, and suddenly everyone at the table were laughing.

They kept on sharing their memories; a trip down memory lane only childhood friends could take. A trip where she wasn’t allowed. For Rey, this was everything she’d always wished for; having childhood friends and family she shared history with. She was mourning the possible lives she could have lived and the girl she could have become, if she too had a family. If she too belonged somewhere, _to someone_. In that moment, she would’ve done everything to have known Ben at that age. It physically hurt to know that there was so much she didn’t know about him, that there _always_ would be. _A gap that couldn’t be breached._

”Why are they calling you Ben?” 

The room went quiet. She felt everyone’s eyes on her. Rey didn’t have the courage to meet Ben’s gaze, afraid of what she might see. _She was always too afraid._

”Rey!” Finn looked at her warningly at the same time as Rose kicked her under the table. 

”No, no. It’s fine -”

Rey didn’t let Ben finish his sentence. 

”Uh… sorry. I think Ceasar wants to go for a walk. Thank you for dinner, it was delicious,” she said as quickly as she could. Leaving the table as fast as possible to find Ceasar, she could feel her hands shaking. She ran her fingers through her hair to calm herself down. 

_She was suffocating._

__________________________

 

Walking through the snow covered forest with the husky leading her, she thought about the first time Kira’s name was brought up. How Ben had tensed up and how that had made her even more curious. Curious about who she was, who she was to _him._ She still was. All she knew was that Kira was his first friend, first girlfriend, first love - first _everything_. Poe, who was also Kira’s brother, had told her. Poe himself was a bit chocked that she didn’t know, but Ben had refused to tell her anything about her, either pretending he hadn’t heard her questions or just brushing them off. Eventually she had stopped asking them, maybe even coming to terms that she may not ever have access to some parts of his life and emotions. Now, when meeting her in person, old questions and feelings came rushing back to her, making her feel like the younger, more insecure Rey she thought she’d left behind. 

Trying to gather her thoughts and collect herself, she headed back towards the house. She looked down at her watch to see that she’d been walking around for three hours. She had forgotten her phone at the dinner table in her hurry, which probably had been blown up by calls and texts wondering where she was by now. 

When approaching the house she saw Leia standing outside on the veranda observing her. Her hair was almost melting in with the snow, if it wasn’t for the silver strands. _She looked regal._

”Rey, could you join me a second?” 

”Oh. Of course.” Rey tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, trying to compose herself. 

”I wasn’t sure that you’d come back, I almost thought that you headed back,” Leia said carefully.  ”I’m glad that you didn’t though.” 

”No, I just got caught up by the beauty of the forest,” she lied, knowing Leia could read her like an open book. The snow covered trees were in fact beautiful, but truth be told she hadn’t paid them any attention while walking with Ceasar.

”He’s getting old, just like his owners.” Leia smiled and patted the dogs head.

”I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Rey suddenly blurted out. The guilt and the shame suffocating her to a point that she didn't know what to do with herself. 

When Leia embraced her, the tears that had threatened to fall all day rolled down freely. ”I missed you. We all did.” Leia took Rey’s face in her hands and wiped her tears away. 

”I missed you too, _so_ much.” Rey gave Leia a watery smile. 

As they went in the house was quiet and dark, everyone was already asleep. She whispered goodnight to Leia and quietly went up the stairs to sleep. When reaching her room she remembered that she should probably get her phone so she turned and headed down to the kitchen. Nearing the kitchen she saw Leia standing with a glass of water in her hand talking to someone, someone she couldn’t see from her point of view. 

”Mom, is she back? Did she seem okay?” 

”Yes, and yes. Go and sleep, it’s late.”

Deciding between meeting Ben and her phone, she quickly made the decision that going back to her room was the safest.

As she stood in the bathroom brushing her teeth she thought back to when she’d first met Ben. She had been _so_ drunk and he had been _so_ beautiful. He had told a couple of months later that when he’d met her he instantly knew that he needed her like the earth needed the sun. Even though she remembered it as if it was yesterday, it felt like a lifetime ago. They had been so young and naive to think that they would never hurt each other. Everyone knows that if you get too close to the sun you will get _burned_. 

 

__________________________

 

The sunlight shone through the rectangular window, lighting up the room. The night had passed, and Rey finally felt like she could breathe again. She’d been up quite a while now, without her phone to distract her from her thoughts. She always had trouble sleeping, no matter how tired she was. No matter how desperate she was to fall asleep at night. No matter how desperate she was to break the constant compromise between thinking and breathing. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a good night’s sleep. _That’s a lie._ Of course she remembered. She never had trouble falling asleep in Ben’s presence. 

”Good morning,” Rose mumbled tiredly. 

”Morning, sunshine." 

”When did you come back last night?” Rose yawned and stretched her arms. 

”Hmm… I don’t know. Late, I guess. You were all asleep.” 

”We were worried, Ben almost went looking for you.” 

” _Oh._ Really?” Rey mumbled. She felt ashamed, it was childish of her to storm out without a phone for several hours. She didn’t think they would get worried, it wasn’t intentional. 

”Mhmm.” Rose was now looking at her, giving her a knowing look. 

”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.” 

”It’s okay.” Rose was now standing up and walking towards the door. ”But maybe you should talk to him.” 

”Maybe.” Rey mumbled quietly. 

”Hm? Did you say something?” 

”Nah. Let’s go down and eat something. Do you think breakfast will be ready?” She stood up to follow Rose down.

”Don’t know. You don’t have to worry though, they won’t ask you to help.” Rose laughed, knowing that Rey was a terrible cook. 

”Ha. Ha.” Rey sticked out her tongue. 

When they reached the kitchen the smell of eggs and bacon filled the room. She was hungry, she always was, but since she didn’t eat much last night her stomach reacted the loudest way possible. They said their good mornings to Leia and Poe who were the only ones who were awake, beside Luke who already had gone out for his morning walk with Ceasar.  

”Rey! Rose! Want to taste my incredible eggs? I have pancakes too. Both approved by Leia.” Poe winked at Leia who only answered with shaking her head, still looking down at the paper. 

”Yes, please,” they said in unison. She sat down at the other side of the kitchen isle, waiting for Poe to fill her plate. 

”Morning,” Finn mumbled as he stumbled in to the kitchen while wiping the sleep out of his eyes. He went to kiss Rey and Rose on the cheek before attacking the coffee maker, to only be met by disappointment. 

”No coffee?” He was now pouting at Poe who laughed in response. ”No sorry, but go ahead and make some. Ben will probably want a cup or two.” 

”Yeah, he needs his coffee in the morning.” Rey said without thinking. Well, he _used to_ need his black coffee in the morning to wake up. Maybe he didn’t anymore. She was coming to realize that she didn't really know what he needed anymore. He used to need _her_ , but that toowas something of the past. 

Rose and Poe was looking at her strangely, while Finn only looked at her knowingly. It seemed like Leia hadn't heard her. 

"I was just-" 

She closed her mouth before uttering another word when seeing who had decided to join them.

Ben and Kira came walking in. Kira was clearly a morning person, unlike Ben who barely could keep his eyes open. Judging from the dark circles beneath his eyes it looked like he hadn’t slept much better than Rey. 

”Coffee. Now,” he rumbled. 

”Cream? Sugar?” Finn was already pouring up a cup for him.

”Black.”

_Maybe some things don’t change._

When Ben was done chugging down the coffee, he turned to Rey to say something. But as he opened his mouth nothing came out, the words seemed to have gotten stuck in his mouth. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. 

”Nice shirt,” he finally said.

She looked down to see what she was wearing. _Shit_. She had forgotten that she was wearing the old t-shirt that once had belonged to _him_. It was the shirt she always slept in, she hadn’t thought too much about it when she threw it on last night.  

”Ben, aren’t you a big fan of Car Seat Headrest as well?” Kira was now pointing at the t-shirt Rey was wearing. He nodded, still not breaking his gaze from Rey. They had been to their concert together, he had been the one wearing the shirt then. She remembers him holding her and being completely amazed of hearing the band live, while she was entirely caught up in him. She hadn't been able to tear her eyes from him, not wanting to waste a moment looking elsewhere. Thinking back, she could hear one of the songs playing in the back of her mind; ' _It doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be like this.'_ Feeling like all eyes were on her and his stupid t-shirt made her face turn red. She let her hair fall down to cover a bit of her face, hoping they wouldn’t notice her blushing. 

”Thanks.” Rey put her plate in the dish washer and as she was heading out of the room a large hand grabbed her arm.

”Maybe we could talk later?” He was looking at her with those dark eyes. Those damn dark eyes that were too expressive for his own good. He was never able to get away with any of the lies he told because of those eyes, they always told on him. She never really knew if she was thankful for that. She believed that some things, _some_ _memories,_ would be a lot easier to forget if they hadn't been so expressive - _s_ _o telling._

She nodded, not able to form an answer. He let go of her arm and let her go. Why does he do that?  _Let her go?_ Why can’t he ever run after her and make her stay? She knew it was stupid to expect, but it didn’t keep her from sometimes imagining him coming after her. Or just calling her. But he never did. 

 

___________________________

 

As it was Christmas Eve and food had to be prepared for tomorrow, Luke and Leia had given each one of them a chore. Since Rey was banned from the kitchen and the house was fully decorated already, she was wrapping her gifts she had bought her friends. She wasn’t sure if she should give Ben his gift, unsure if it was appropriate. If she had known that she would spend Christmas with him she would’ve bought him something more… _impersonal._ Giving him the book that contained the poems he would read to her could be a bit _much._ It wasn’t a first copy or anything fancy, just a pocket version she always carried with her. Knowing how much these poems meant to him and _therefore_ to her, she couldn’t bring herself to throw the book away or leave it behind. It would mean leaving _them_ behind. It’s easier to forget the memories they shared than it is to forget the love they had for each other. She still remembers his favorite poem. She knows it like the back of her hand. 

>   _The Earth would die if the sun stopped kissing her._

As if he could hear her thoughts, he stepped in to the room looking for her. She quickly put down the book in her bag before he’d notice. 

”Can you talk?” He looked a bit unsure, chewing his lip nervously. If she weren’t so nervous herself, she would find it funny that two people who had seen each another naked couldn't now barely meet each others eyes without flinching.  

”Sure.” He was running a hand through his wavy black hair that was now almost reaching his shoulders, nodding when hearing her answer.

”Your hair is longer,” she blurted out. 

”Yeah, I guess so.” 

”I like it.” Anxiety threaded itself into her skin, _what were they supposed to talk about?_ The ringing in her ears only seemed to increase in his presence, warning her. Of what, she didn’t know.  

”Why didn’t you call when Han died?” He, unlike her was not afraid of eye contact. He, unlike her wasn’t the recipient of overly expressive eyes, eyes that could crush the strongest of souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, be prepared for more angst. Sorry!! 
> 
> The song in the chapter is Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales by Car Seat Headrest (hahaha because I am in fact, Adam Driver-trash) - listen to it! And the poem is by the great Hafez.


	4. Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeello guys, long time no see. I'm soooo sorry for not updating, I've been superbusy with uni and work. Since English is not my first language it's always harder to write and takes longer time. I hope you haven't grown tired of waiting!!<3333 I wanted to thank you all for the comments and kudos, it makes it so much easier to write and be motivated to continue the story. You're the best!! This chapter is a bit shorter than the last one, but I felt like it needed to be just this. Hope you like it!

_Why didn’t you call when Han died?_

She had no answer to that question and no reasons that would be good enough to explain why she didn’t call. _Why she couldn’t._ When Finn told her that Han had passed away she’d gone to the airport right away without a bag or even a ticket. Though when the time to actually board the plane approached, all her insecurities and the anxiety of meeting Ben again after several months of complete radio silence caught up with her. _What would she say to him when she met him?_ The crippling anxiety refused to board the plane, refused to meet _him,_ so she turned around and went home. She tried to convince herself that it was the right decision - knowing that if she went back she wouldn't be able to leave him again. The realization that Han had passed away hit her the day after. Even though Ben had cut all ties with his parents, Rey had always been in contact with them - given them updates about Ben and how he’d been doing. They adored her and she completely adored them. She couldn’t quite understand how a man like him, always carefree and with a constant smirk on his face, could suddenly die out of nowhere. And maybe it hadn’t been out of nowhere, a lot can happen in seven months. Knowing that, it was still hard to accept that someone so happy and _so alive_ could die. It wasn’t fair that someone who loved life was dead while she, not living or barely even surviving - _desperate to go to sleep at night_ \- was alive. Rey felt guilty. She should have called. She had been meaning to call, but she _just couldn’t._ Days went and when she thought the appropriate moment to call had passed, she didn’t. _She didn’t call._

 _”_ I-” she felt her chest growing tighter and her mouth becoming dry, making her unable to speak. 

”Why don’t you ever say what you want to say? What you’re thinking? Why do I always have to guess? This silence is deafening.” He was rambling, gesturing wildly with his hands, getting more irritated with every sentence that came out of his mouth. It was truly ironic that he was the one telling _her_ this, when she had been the one constantly trying to get him to tell her what he was thinking - what he was _feeling_. As if to compensate the years of silence he continued rambling, gradually raising his voice. What he was telling her wasn’t what she wanted to hear - what she was ready to accept or be confronted with. The blood pounded in her ears. Her heart thudded in her chest. She felt trapped, claustrophobic. Her vision disfigured, as if she were looking through a fish-eye lens. She had to make him shut up, _to stop_.

\- and then she lunged forward, slammed her lips against his - _making him_ shut up. His reaction to her kiss was the one of the few things that seemed to have remained unchanged. The moment of shock barely lasted a second, before he leaned in to her and his hand went up to cradle her face while the other gripped her hip, tugging her closer to him. She hardly had a moment to react to him actually returning her kiss, when he pushed her away - once again reminding Rey that he wasn’t _hers_ anymore. 

”Fuck Rey!” He hissed, running a shaky hand through his messy hair in an attempt to compose himself. Hearing him saying her name felt like being struck by lightning. Ben was looking at her with wild eyes, a shade darker than they usually were, barely able to control his anger from bursting out. Seeing him angry made Rey feel strangely content, because she knew _this_ Ben. The controlled and calm person from earlier was a stranger to her. 

”You can’t do this every time you don’t want to hear what I have to say!” His chest heaved as he struggled to control his breathing. His pursed lips opened again to continue; ”The last time you did this _I felt like shit_. You gave me a false impression of that we were okay, or that we at least _would_ be.” 

Rey knew what he was talking about. It was a memory that had been burned in her mind, a permanent memory that wouldn’t disappear despite her efforts to forget. They had said things that could never be unsaid. Of course she remembered. 

 

_Two years and nine months ago_

_He unlocked the door and walked in, without looking at her. The food had gone cold from waiting and the bottle of wine she had bought for dinner was already opened and half-empty._

_”You’re late.”_

_”I know Rey, don’t start.” He still hadn’t looked at her or even acknowledged that she had cooked dinner for them._

_”Don’t start, Ben? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”_

_”What do you want from me? An apology? Well, I’m sorry Rey that I have to work for a monster that wants me available at all times. I’m sorry that I’m trying to make something out of myself.” He snorted with dripping sarcasm._

_”I have a life too, you know? And my own issues as well, but I still make time for you. I still try being there for you. I don’t know this person you have become Ben. Do you even know who you are anymore? I for sure don’t! ” She breathed heavily, feeling the tears pool behind her eyes. She was sensing that they were reaching the point of no return. It never went well when they raised their voices at each other._

_”Oh, I know you have your own issues.” A homourless laugh slipped out of him. ”You’re always pretending that you’re the one that needs to fix me when we both know that you’re even more fucked up than I am. Shit, I barely even see you sober anymore and you’re telling me that you’re trying to help me? Be there for me? Please, help yourself before you try to help anyone else.”_

_She wanted to tell him that she drinks to make him nicer, that without the alcohol he’s a nightmare. She wanted to ask him why he uses his words like they’re weapons. Always shooting to kill, while she never aims at him. But she didn’t say anything. She just kissed him, swallowing the cruel words she couldn’t bare hearing._

 

”You fucked me and then you left me behind. _Shit_ , the bed sheets were still warm when you left. I was still naked. I _begged_ you to stay, but you couldn’t care less. You wouldn’t even look me in the eyes Rey, do you remember? Fuck _,_ you couldn’t care less and I never cared more.” At the end of the last sentence his voice cracked and in that moment, Rey cursed the universe for letting time pass without healing wounds. 

”Of course I cared!” Rey cried out. She wanted to say ’ _I still do’ ,_ but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. She had dreamt about them speaking again so many times, his voice had been like a ghost in her head. _His voice_ , but not quite. _His face_ , but not really. Something was always wrong, always reminding her that it was in fact just a dream. When Rey awoke she couldn’t remember anything he had said. Time and her mind had betrayed her - like they always do. Not seeing someone for so long made one forget their specific traits and gestures. Rey had mourned every time she realized her mind couldn’t portray him as detailed as before. She could feel him slipping away. Seeing him infront of her in the flesh again was therefore strange. He looked like himself, but there were clear indications that time had passed and things had changed. The person infront of her wasn’t the person she had left nearly three years ago. It seemed like only shame and guilt could conquer time. 

”Do I look happy to you, Ben?” He seemed stunned by her question, not expecting her to be so blunt. Silence filled the room, making it impossible to ignore the echoes of the past. The anger in his eyes had been replaced with something she would describe as sorrow and _maybe_ a little longing. It was taking all her strength to not close the distance between them and embrace him - pretending nothing had happened between them. 

Rey noticed that he didn’t ask her _why_ she had left. Maybe he _knew_ that it was inevitable. She had wanted to stay - every bone in her body had wanted to stay _with him_. However, something deep inside of her knew that she had to go. It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life - to pack up her things and leave with him watching her do so. She was convinced that she was being cruel to be kind. It didn’t matter how much she wanted him, _when they weren’t right._ He was barely at home in the end and when he was, it felt like they were oceans apart. He was completely closed off. Always in his thoughts. Thoughts he didn’t want to share with her - drifting more and more in to the darkness. She had craved warmth and comfort, but he wasn’t able to give her that. All he ever wanted from her was honesty, which was something she wasn’t ready to offer. What they were asking from each other wasn’t much for them to ask but too much for them to give.

”Are you happy? Does she make you happy?” Kira was probably better for him, she thought. Rey hadn’t been able to pull him out of the darkness, no matter how hard she tried. Somehow, Kira had succeeded. Was she all he ever needed and looked for? Was Kira everything Rey wasn’t - _couldn’t_ be? She was jealous of how he was happy without her. Rey had to come to terms with that they maybe weren’t meant to be. Perhaps, it was always supposed to be Ben and Kira. 

He was looking at her with furrowed brows, confused of what Rey was suggesting. Before he had a chance to respond, Finn came barging in looking for something. Sensing the tension, he stopped in his tracks and looked at both of them suspiciously. 

”You two okay? Rey nodded in response, still feeling Ben’s confused gaze on her. 

”Okay… Well, I’m looking for wrapping paper. It looks like a child wrapped my gifts, I’m absolutely horrible at this. I need to do it all over again.” Finn sighed, almost pouting like a child himself. 

”No worries, I’ll help you.” Rey said as she grabbed the wrapping paper she had used for her gifts. She glanced quickly over to Ben as she exited the room, wondering if she would ever be unaffected by his presence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, what did you think of the chapter? Please tell me! I feel bad for both of them, sometimes there isn't a specific reason to why you leave someone or why sometimes relationships don't work. Let's hope they find a way!! What do you think will happen next?


	5. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaahhhh, I'm sorry for the lack of update. I have three exams coming up, so forgive me for not having the best chapter to offer you. I wrote it in a hurry today. Expect some typos haha. Hope you enjoy it anyway. 
> 
> Hugs and kisses to all of you<3333

”What was all that about?” 

Rey didn’t know what to answer Finn, so she just shrugged. ”Nothing.” 

”Well, it didn’t look like nothing. I could practically cut the tension with a knife.” He murmured back while grabbing the wrapping paper from her hands. 

”I promise you, it was nothing. We’re good. Just fine. No hard feelings.” 

”Mhm, if you say so.” Finn shrugged with a grimace on his face telling her that he didn't believe her. 

”By the way, I covered the gifts to Kira and Ben. I know you didn’t know they would be here so… I bought them something and put our names on it. Nothing big or anything! Some makeup palette Kira has been talking about and a gift card for Ben at a local coffeeshop that he loves, thought it would be convenient. He didn’t really say what he wished for.” 

”Okay. Uh… sounds good. Thank you.” Rey sat down at the dinner table where Finn had spread out his things. She had never thought twice at being bad at makeup, or not being _girly_ enough. She knows that she’s not curvy or that her breasts are barely there, but she has never been insecure about it. Until know. She couldn’t seem to shake off the jealousy she felt towards Kira. While she was curvy, Rey was not. While she had long beautiful black hair, Rey did not. While she looked like a woman, Rey couldn’t help feeling like a girl. 

”She’s extremely beautiful, isn’t she?” 

As if he could sense her insecurity, Finn gives her a look. ”You are gorgeous, you know that right? Like a real classical beauty.” 

Rey forces a smile, while trying to swallow back her tears. ”You’re pretty great, but I bet you know that.”

”Yes I do,” he laughed. ”Can we now please get back to business! I’m panicking, every gift looks like they have been chewed and then spit out.” She looks down at his gifts and grins.

”Yeah, you’re right. You really are no good at this.” She begins unwrapping the gifts one by one and sees that he has indeed bought a makeup palette for Kira, a gift card for Ben that he had hidden in a paper coffee cup, a vase that she guesses is for Leia, and some other knick-knack she couldn’t decide to whom it may belong. As she leans forward to grab the last gift that needs to be re-wrapped, Finn snatches it out from her hand and slaps it away.

”Ah ah, do not touch. That one is for you. Sorry, but this one will have to remain ugly.” 

”As you wish,” she laughs, continuing re-wrapping the gifts with the wrapping paper she had used earlier. It was her favorite color - green. Green as the forest outside. The forest that was now covered in snow. 

 

___________________________

 

Dinner had been served and eaten, and this time it had passed peacefully. This time she wasn’t seated across Ben, which was maybe for the best after their conversation earlier that day. She hadn’t spoken to him since then and he had barely looked at her during the entire dinner. Either he didn’t care enough to acknowledge her, or he was still angry at her. She didn’t know what she hoped for, _what would hurt less_. 

”If everyone is done with their dinner, maybe we could move to the living room and _hang_? Isn’t that what young people call it nowadays? We could watch a movie or play a board game,” Leia suggested while standing up to clear the table. 

”Yes, good idea! Finn, help me carry the wine glasses and I’ll grab the wine. Rest of you could go make yourselves comfortable in the living room,” Poe says enthusiastically, already searching for wine in the cupboards. 

”I’ll grab the liquor. I have feeling that it will be needed,” Luke mumbles. 

While she and Rose stands up to move to the living room, Rose continues to talk about the guy she had met a week ago. His name was Phillip and had apparently been the first good date that she’s had in quite a while. 

”How did you and this Phillip meet?” 

”Ugh, it was literally the most stressful morning. So, I had just ordered my coffee and when I turned around I accidentally bumped into this guy that spilled all of his scalding coffee on me.”

”Oh let me guess, he offered to help you clean up and then he asked you out!” Kira chuckled, accidentally overhearing their conversation. 

”Actually, no. The man who spilled his damn coffee and ruined my shirt yelled at me and stormed out of the coffee shop. However, it was the guy behind him that offered to help me clean up," Rose smirked. 

Kira laughed in response as they moved to sit on the couch, now chatting about the strange guys Rose had been dating during the past year.

It didn’t take long before Poe came in with the wine, followed by the rest of the gang. Finn started handing out glasses and as he was about to hand one to Rey, she shook her head no. It wasn’t like she had a problem with alcohol, because she really didn’t. It was rather the fact that she had lately been aware of her using alcohol to numb herself, to forget - even if it only was for a night. It was a pattern she was trying to break, knowing it may become a problem if she didn’t change her ways. Finn nodded in understanding. He _knew._ It was Finn she called every time she got drunk and couldn't stop herself from thinking about Ben.

”No wine Rey? I think Luke brought some whiskey, can I get you that instead?” Poe asked, getting confused of the looks Finn was throwing him. 

”No, I’m good. Thank you though!” She sees Ben raising his eyebrows behind him, clearly looking surprised that she had declined the offer of alcohol. 

Poe moved to sit beside Finn, that was sitting beside Rose who had gone back to talking about this Phillip guy. Finn looked like he had heard this story at least a hundred times before, and Poe as well. 

”Talking about dating and guys, have you met anyone who has caught your interest?” Poe wiggled his eyebrows at Rey. Ben quickly darts his dark brown eyes at her, seeming very interested in her answer. She could feel her pulse rising, not knowing what the appropriate answer would be. 

”Umm, no not really. Nothing serious. I don’t think I was ready for a relationship, really.” She tried to laugh, but it came out as a puff of air instead. Glancing at Ben, she could see him huffing and mumbling something she couldn’t hear. Growing irritated of his passive aggressive behavior towards her since their conversation, she couldn’t help feeling the urge to snap at him. 

”Excuse me?” She was now looking directly at him, trying to muster the courage to not flinch or avert her eyes. 

He considers her for a moment. ”I said, that was new.” 

He’s clenching his jaw and Rey swears that she sees the rhythmic tick of a muscle under his eye - the one she was too familiar with. She knew what he was referring to. He had yelled it so many times before; that she shouldn’t have started a relationship with him if she wasn’t ready to open herself up. No matter how true what he is indicating may be, she was overcome with rage. It was hypocritical of him to accuse her of not being ready or available enough for a relationship when she had felt that he had never really gotten over Kira. 

”That’s rich coming from you,” she snapped. The room went quiet, much like the dinner they had the first night. She could see Luke downing his drink in the corner of her eye, and she thought _fuck it._

”Poe, I changed my mind. Could you please get me a glass of whiskey?” 

Poe quickly poured the liquor in to a glass and handed it to her. She downed her drink without wincing, and then she motioned for him to fill it up again. She could feel Ben’s disapproving look on her, but she couldn't care enough.

 

___________________________

 

The rest of the evening goes by quite smoothly. Rey is on her seventh glass of whiskey, still hoping to find the answer at the bottom of the glass. She notices Ben watching her every time she brings the glass to her mouth. If she wasn’t drunk she could’ve sworn that he looked worried. That he looked like he _cared_. As the night drags on, she continues to drink, barely exchanging any words with her friends. She knows that there are other ways to clear the brain. More healthy ways to let the memories pass. She knows that what she's doing is neither productive or effective. She knows that she's living her life all wrong - but no matter how much Rey tries to move on she always stumbles back to him. It has always been him, ever since she'd met him. The distance between them was killing her. There was only a coffee table between them, but it could just as well have been an ocean. 

”I think it’s time for us to go to bed as well,” Poe said, pointing at Finn who was dozing off on the couch. It was only them and Ben who were awake, the rest of them had gone to sleep already. Even in her drunken state, she knew it wasn’t a good idea to be alone with Ben. She knew it would only lead to another argument. 

”Yeah, I think I’ll do the same,” she slurred. She clears her throat and then stands up, only to fall back down on the couch in an unbalanced attempt to walk to her bedroom. She stands up again and staggers her way to the staircase. 

”I’ll take care of that,” she heard Ben mumble to Poe behind her. 

Gripping the bookcase in front of her, she felt like world was spinning. Spinning out of her control. Suddenly a hand gripped her arm, preventing her from falling.

”I got you,” Ben whispers in her ear, only making her world spin faster. He drapes his arm around her waist and carefully leads her up the stairs. She tries to put all her focus on lifting her legs at the right time, but all she can think of is how she can feel the warmth of his body against hers. How she can feel all of his muscles move. How she can feel the familiar smell of him filling her nostrils. She can almost hear her heart aching for him and her body yearning for his touch. 

As they reach the top of the stairs, she feels her stomach turning. ”Bathroom. Now.” 

He quickly leads her to the bathroom holding her hair back as she sinks down on the floor in front of the toilet to empty her stomach. In between the retching she mumbles apologies. 

”It has been a long time since the last time I drank. I promise. Please believe me. Shit, I don’t want you to think of me like this,” Rey slurs, feeling her tears run freely out of her control. 

”Shh. I believe you,” he says while tucking the strands of her hair that had fallen out of his grip behind her ear. 

”I’m sorry Ben. For everything.” 

He goes quiet for a moment, she hears him take a sharp intake of breath. ”Me too.” 

”Do you remember the first time we met? How you later told me that you needed me like the earth needed the sun? You were wrong,” she paused to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. ”To me, you were always the sun.” 


	6. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, angst, and a little more angst. Hope you like it and don't be afraid to tell me if you do (or don't for that matter)!

Waking up, Rey felt like she had spent the night in the desert. Slowly and reluctantly, she opens her eyes, squinting, to look at her surroundings. Her eyes roam the room, almost forgetting that she’s still at Leia’s house for a moment. It was Christmas. Looking around the room she notices that Rose had already woken up and left the room. Her throat feels like sandpaper, her pounding head feels like it might explode and the vomit taste in her mouth is bringing back waves of nausea - only adding to her misery. Wanting to wake up was getting harder, especially when her dreams were better than her reality. Almost as if her subconscious wanted to mock her. The saddest part of dreaming was the forgetting - if you’re even lucky enough to remember the dream when waking up that is. The only thing you’re left with is this lonely emptiness - a detachment as proof that you ever had the dream to begin with. 

Once on her feet the room is swaying, almost causing her to loose balance. She reaches out for the wall to try to steady herself before heading to the bathroom to take a well-needed shower. Still wearing the clothes she had worn the night before, she hoped that no one would see her. They already thought of her as broken, seeing her like this wouldn’t help. Before coming here, she was hoping to show them how far she’d come. Show them that she was fine by herself, that she had evolved - maybe even moved on. Of course it wouldn’t be the truth, but it would keep Rey from seeing the pity in their eyes every time they looked at her. She knew what they were thinking; that she was slowly disappearing in front of their eyes. She felt it as well. She had been alone for so long that she had forgotten how to conceal her feelings from others. She had been alone for so long that she had confused the apathy with indifference and the loneliness with boredom. 

Stepping in to the shower she let the water run as hot as possible, almost wishing for the water to burn her skin off. Thinking that maybe if the skin would come off, a new person would emerge. A person that didn't have a problem facing herself in the mirror. If she was being honest with herself, she was tired of not being happy. She was still searching for something that she wasn't quite sure she would ever find. Constantly searching. She found it once, but not realizing it at the time drove her to lose it. _Lose him_. She knew that they weren’t good for each other at the end, but it didn’t stop her from missing the good parts. When they were good. Hell, _right now_ she would do anything to relive the bad times. How bad it may have been, it sure was better than this. Back then she still had some of him. Having nothing, none of him, was far worse. Thinking back, she remembers the first time he told her that he loved her. Somehow she couldn’t remember the last time. At the time she didn’t know it would be the last. 

She wonders if he’s sweet to Kira. As sweet he would be to her. Does he wake her up with soft kisses? Does he burrow his head in her neck when he feels insecure? Does he grip her hand, as if to steady himself, when he feels that he’s about to lose control? Does _she_  love him better than Rey ever could? 

  

_Four years ago_

_Feeling warmth spreading through her body, Rey slowly woke up from her deep slumber. Ben was pressing soft kisses on her bare shoulder. Slowly opening her eyes, she was met by the radiant and glowing sun peaking through the curtain. She carefully rolled onto her side and looked at him. She couldn’t help smiling. His features was always much softer in the morning, more peaceful. The lines that usually creased his brow wasn’t present, making him look younger. Happier._

_”Good morning.”_

_”Morning,” He mumbled, burrowing his face in her neck to continue pressing feather soft kisses._

_The minutes of just laying there, bathing in each others presence and warmth, passed too quickly. After gently kissing her forehead, he motioned to stand up. She quickly grabbed his arm and dragged him down to the bed once again._

_”Don’t leave,” she whined._

_”Never,” he grinned._

 

Feeling the water starting to turn from hot to lukewarm, then lukewarm to ice cold, she decides that she might as well be done. Turning of the shower to step out, she sees that the steam from the hot water has filled the room and fogged the mirror above the sink, reflecting a disrupted version of her. She quickly averts her eyes from the mirror and wraps her towel around her body. 

 

___________________________

  

Having dried her wet hair and put on some light make up to cover up the fact that she had been drinking the night before, Rey felt ready to join the rest of them. She wasn’t eighteen anymore, her hangover wasn’t reluctant to remind her of that. Walking past what she guessed was Ben’s room, she heard muffled voices, panting and moans coming from the room. 

”Are you sure it’s a good idea to do this when she may be in the room across from us?”

”I told you, yes. I don’t want to think about her, I’m so fucking tired of thinking about her.” 

”Okay okay, but we have to be quick and quiet. But Ben, I’m serious about what I told you before. No more.” 

It was Ben. _Kira and Ben_. She felt her heart sink to the floor, being torn into pieces she knew she wouldn’t ever be able to put back together. She once described her heartbreak as waves - destroying everything in its way to eventually calm down when reaching the shore. But this, no  _this_ was far worse. This felt like death, this felt like the end. She could feel the never ending emptiness spread, making room for the echoes of a love she had put her everything into.


	7. Leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your comments and kudos. They leave me speechless!! It's so amazing seeing you so invested in the story, you're the best. I hope you like this chapter and that you stick with me. This is a bit angsty as well, but I mean - what did you guys expect? Haha. I don't have a beta and English isn't my first language, so there might be some typos and errors. But enjoy!! Sending all my love to you!!

_”I’m so fucking tired of thinking about her.”_

The words were ringing in her ears. 

She tried to take several deep breaths, but none of them were doing any difference. The air got stuck in her throat before it could reach her lungs. Standing there, for what felt like an eternity, Rey finally decided what she was going to do. She turned on her heel and headed to her room. She was going home. 

She was leaving. 

Rey didn’t bother to fold her clothes before laying them neatly in her suitcase. On the contrary, she was frantically throwing her clothes in the suitcase while trying to control her breathing. Roaming the room looking for her clothes, she got a glance of herself in the mirror across from her. She looked broken. _Shattered._

An uncontrolled sob tore from her throat, ripping through her muscles, causing her to shake. She wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart completely. As if her arms would prevent that from happening - keep everything in its place. 

It was in that moment it hit her. That everything she had imagined for them, everything they had talked about doing together, everything they had promised each other; meant _nothing_. They were just another lost dream. 

He had moved on. _Without her_. 

 

_Three years ago_

_He was picking at his food, lost in thought. Rey knew that she was gradually losing him. He wasn’t himself anymore, she realized. The man in front of her was a shell of the man she loved. They barely talked anymore and lately he wouldn’t even meet her eyes. And when he did, it seemed like he was looking but not actually seeing._

_”So, how was your day?” She asked quietly, trying to catch his attention._

_”Fine.”_

_”Work was okay? Snoke didn’t give you a hard time?”_

_”Why would you ask that?” He defensively answered, becoming apparently irritated by her question. It was becoming a knee-jerk reaction, him raising his voice and getting angry or irritated, every time his boss’ name was brought up._

_”I-” His phone rang and interrupted her. Interrupted the silence like an alarm - as if to remind them that their time was running out._

_She looked down at the screen to see who was calling. Seeing her name on his screen and him grabbing to answer the phone instantly made her heart drop to her stomach. He stood up, without giving her a glance, and went out of the room - out of her earshot._

_Rey tried to continue to eat her dinner, but the curiosity was getting the better of her. Not being able to fight it anymore, she stood up to move closer to where he was - to try to hear what they might be talking about._

_He was laughing._

_He was talking. Freely._

_And she felt like she might throw up._

_It wasn’t the fact that he was laughing, or talking or being happy. No, all she ever wanted for him was to be happy. It was the fact that he wasn’t that carefree with her anymore. She wasn’t the one making him laugh. Or even talk for that matter._

_She quickly made it back to her seat when she heard that they were done talking. When he walked back in to the kitchen, it was like all the energy he had two minutes ago while talking to Kira disappeared in to thin air. The tension was slowly but surely killing her._

_”Do you still love her, Ben?” The question slipped out of her._

_”She’s family.”_

_”You know that’s not what I meant. Are you still in love with her?_

_”Are we seriously having this discussion again?” He snorted, not bothering to even look at her._

_”I don’t know. We never really had this discussion to begin with, did we? You didn't even tell me about her, I had to ask Poe who she was! You know that’s crazy right?” She sighed tiredly. She was tired of trying to read his mind. She wished that he once in his life would tell her how he actually felt. What he was thinking about. He used to tell her everything. But now she got nothing. Absolutely nothing. ”Every time her name is brought up you try to run away. What’s that about?”_

_”It wasn’t Poe’s place to tell you. You’re making it a greater deal than it is. I’m not the one who’s crazy, Rey.”_

_He took his plate, with the food that he had barely touched, and began doing the dishes._

_”You done?” He asked, pointing at her plate._

_”Yeah.” She was done. In that moment she knew he was already far away._

_She was never afraid of his anger, it was his indifference and his coldness that scared her. Rey should have known then that it was the beginning of the end._

 

___________________________

 

She was all packed and ready. All that was left to do was saying goodbye and giving them a good enough reason for why she was leaving. As she made it down the stairs she heard laughter coming from the kitchen, so she followed the voices. 

When she walked into the kitchen she saw that Finn, Poe and Ben was sitting by the kitchen isle and chatting. Poe turned his head and grinned at her. 

”Rey has awoken from the dead! Good morning, or should I say good day instead?” 

”Yeah, sorry about not joining for breakfast.” She tried to plaster on a smile, hoping that they wouldn't notice that she’d been crying a couple of minutes ago. 

”Umm, so I put all of my gifts under the tree. Thought it would be good for you to know. I’m leaving in about ten minutes, so… Would you give Leia and Luke my thanks?” She was fiddling with the hem of her shirt, not daring to look at their disappointed faces. 

”You’re leaving?” Ben asked with furrowed brows. Finn and Poe was looking at her questioningly as well. 

”Yeah. I have a couple of things to do in the city.” She explained before deliberately looking at him. ”And I wouldn’t want anyone to get tired of me,” she continued, not breaking her gaze.

All the color drained from his face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, maybe even defend himself, but no words came out. 

”I could drive you,” Finn offered. 

”No, that’s okay. I already called a cab.” 

”You sure, Rey?” Poe looked worried. She gave him an assuring nod.

”I’ll see you guys in the city soon, yeah? Merry Christmas by the way.” 

”Merry Christmas,” Finn mumbled back. 

Ben was still staring at her, still looking like he was searching for the right thing to say. Remembering she still had his gift in her bag, she pulled the book out and handed it to him.

”This is for you.”

His gaze was making her barely beating heart jump out of her chest. Something she would describe as pain flashed through them. She had to get away. She couldn’t stay near him for a minute longer. 

When she stepped outside her hands were still shaking. Ben looking at her with _those eyes_ while she was leaving was killing her. As it did back then too.

Suddenly the door flung open behind her, revealing a distressed and wild Ben. His eyes were on fire. _He had followed her._

”Are you trying to get rid of me?” He cried out breathlessly. He looked angry. Hurt even.

”What?” She turned around to face him. 

”Why would you give me this?” His eyes were narrowed, hard and a shade darker.

She was too shocked to answer. She had unknowingly crossed an invisible line, offended him somehow. 

”Don’t go. Please, Rey. Don’t leave.” He was standing in the snow without shoes and only a t-shirt, begging her. ”Fuck, I didn’t even get to talk to you properly.” 

There was no point in talking, no point in hashing things out. Not when it would only lead to emptiness. _Nothingness_. It wasn’t like they could become friends out of the blue. Especially when they’d never been _just_ friends. 

”What is it you want to talk about? What do you want me to say Ben? Why I didn’t call when Han died? I tried so _fucking_ hard. You have no idea. I spent days trying to find the right words to say to you. I kept searching for the words that would raise him from the dead - but there aren’t any. And for that, I’m so sorry.” Her voice cracked. She looked up at him, trying to push back her tears that were threatening to fall down. ”Or maybe you want me to say that I’m happy for you and Kira? I wish I could tell you that I am, but that would be a lie.”

He was still staring at her, but the anger from his eyes had evaporated - replaced with something else. She preferred the anger over this. 

”Why didn’t you come back? I waited. For so long.” His lower lip quivered as the words slowly made their way out of his mouth. 

”You and I both know it was for the best.” The tears were now flowing down her cheeks, no matter how much she was trying to push them back. ”Even though it never felt right,” Rey whispered. 

The cab she had called for had arrived and was currently honking for her. She turned around and waved at the driver.

”I have to go.” 

She turned around and walked towards the cab. Every step she took walking away from him felt like ripping up an old wound. A wound that had never healed. She couldn’t help to glance back at him. He was still standing in the snow. Without shoes. As still as a statue. His piercing stare was lethal - her bleeding heart was a proof of that. 

When the cab drove away, leaving Ben standing out in the cold looking at her leaving _again_ , the magnitude of her loss swept over her. The words that slipped out of his mouth when she walked away was ringing in her ears. The whisper she wasn’t meant to hear:

_Don’t forget me._


	8. Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW!!! I can't be more grateful for the feedback I've gotten, shit I'm so overwhelmed by your comments and kudos. You're the best. Can't be happier!!

Rey had been back for a week now. It had been tough coming back when every street was somehow attached to an old memory, another life. It felt strange to return to the same streets and to the same people when everything, _everyone,_ had moved on in her absence. It wasn’t like she expected to pick up where she left, but she didn’t think everything would feel foreign to her. Perhaps that was foolish of her. It was obvious that the gaping hole she had left on departure had healed and disappeared. Rey was no longer part of the natural flow of their lives, which made her feel like a stranger to her only family. The worst part of it that it was no one’s fault, except maybe Rey’s. It was natural to grow apart, especially when one’s not present. She couldn’t blame them for that. 

When she had arrived at her new apartment, stepped in and letting it sink in that she was now supposed to live here, she couldn’t stop herself from crying. The crying didn’t stop, it only escalated with every box she moved in. With every furniture she bought. She missed her old apartment, the one she used to share with him. She missed her old life. _She missed Ben._

If she was being honest with herself, she had missed Ben since the minute she had left him, about three years ago. Sometimes she missed him so much that she thought she would drown in her old memories of him. Especially when everything was a reminder of him. Someone could tell her a joke that she knew he would appreciate, and she would immediately turn around to look for him. Out of instinct. She couldn’t even drink her coffee in peace without being knocked down by a memory of him. She was always searching for him - seeing him everywhere she went. 

And he had asked her to not forget him. She snorted to herself. Like that was ever possible. 

Seeing him again hadn’t done her any good. She missed him. More than ever. She was trying to tell Finn this but he didn’t look happy, sitting in front of her on her new couch he had helped her carry in. 

”I don’t know Rey, maybe it’s best if you two stay away from each other,” he paused to look up at her, rubbing his chin nervously. ”You didn’t see the shape he was in when you left.” 

”What?” 

”You weren’t the only one who suffered. I mean, you know that I hated him for how he treated you, but he was crushed when you left him. I don’t think he left his apartment for two months, no matter how much Poe or his parents tried to drag him out. He kept saying that maybe you would return, that he had to be there if you did. I have never seen anyone in such a bad shape before - hell, none of us had. It led to the point that Poe decided to call Kira to ask her to fly back from Germany to try to get Ben back on his feet. Literally. He just laid in his bed all day, waiting. Barely eating.” 

Rey couldn’t believe what Finn was telling her. ”Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered. 

”I didn’t think it would help either of you if you knew. You needed to leave for him to realize that what he was doing, not only to you but to himself as well, was destructive and not a way to live. He was drowning and dragging you with him.” 

She wanted to tell him that she still felt like she was drowning. 

 

___________________________

 

The weeks went by and Rey was becoming more adjusted to her new apartment and her new job. It was quite a nice job actually, her degree in engineering had finally payed off. Her apartment was nice. Her job was nice. Her colleagues were nice. _Nice, nice, nice._

She was trying to convince herself that she should be happy with that. 

No matter how doubtful and uncertain she had been when moving back to New York, she couldn’t help from falling in to new routines. However, her usual evening routine, which consisted of eating dinner in front of the TV and falling asleep on the couch, was being replaced by Poe’s birthday tonight.. He had called her and forced her to agree to coming to his big party, telling her that they were slowly becoming to old to get drunk and dance all night and that she therefore had to come. So she agreed. Knowing that she might meet Ben. 

 

_Five years ago_

_Rey was officially feeling tipsy. Drunk. Her head was buried in the fridge, searching for food that would soak up some of the alcohol Finn had forced down her throat. Looking through the shelves that were stocked with beer, she could only find a single packet of eggs. She sighed._

_”I’m gonna kill Finn later,” she mumbled to herself._

_”Can I help you with something?” She heard a deep voice behind her ask her. She turned around to see who it was, to be met by the most beautiful human being she had ever seen.  She gulped. Either she was too drunk or she was hallucinating. Maybe both._

_Rey felt her face heat up immediately - her blush burning through her cheeks as her body temperature was quickly rising. He was smirking. The man was built like a greek god, she thought. Rey knew that she was quite tall for a woman, but this strange man was something else. Looking up at him, she couldn’t stop staring at his face. His full lips, pulled up in a smirk. His dark glimmering eyes, that were reflecting the neon lights flashing through the room. His dark wavy hair that looked too soft to belong to a man. She couldn’t help wanting to run her fingers through it, wondering if it was as soft as it looked._

_Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by him clearing his throat, indicating that he had asked her something._

_”Uh, sorry. What did you say?” If she wasn’t blushing enough earlier, she most definitely was now._

_The smirk had transformed to a grin - a sort of grin that reached his eyes and made him look younger. More playful._

_”I wondered if I could help you with something. You look a bit lost,” he chuckled._

_”Oh! No, I’m fine. I was just hoping to find something to eat. There isn’t much in that fridge besides beer, though,” she pouted, while fighting the urge to wave her hands in front of her face. She was overheating. She tried to pull it together, but it was nearly impossible with this stranger looking at her._

_”Isn’t it very hot in here? I’m boiling!”_

_Fuck, did she really say that out loud? At least he looked amused._

_”Maybe,” he said while still grinning. He was most definitely amused. Why wouldn’t he be? She was making a fool out of herself in front of this beautiful stranger. She was a living hot mess. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling though, his smile was contagious._

_”I’m Rey by the way,” she yelled over the music, while stretching out her hand. Someone had turned up the volume, making the cutlery and the glass in the sink rattle._

_His large hand enveloped hers, sending electric shocks through her body. Now she was almost certain that she was hallucinating._

_He leaned forward, slightly bending himself, to say something in her ear. Her heart felt like it would jump out of her chest any time now. She wondered if he noticed._

_”I’m Ben. Ben Solo.”_

 

Rey looked down at her phone stressfully. She was late for the party. She had tried to convince the taxi driver to go faster, but he wouldn’t listen to her. She kept on fidgeting in her seat while the nervousness and the anxiety gradually increased the closer they were getting. 

When she finally arrived at Poe’s apartment, it felt like she had been transported back five years. To a party, much similar to this one. She took a deep breath before stepping out. 

The blaring music was escaping from every window and door, out to the street were Rey was standing. People she had never seen before were sitting outside of his building, chatting and smoking. As she walked towards the entrance she could hear muffled voices coming from the balcony. _Ben’s voice._

”Isn’t she coming?” 

”Well, she said she would come. Not sure, though.” She heard Poe answer. 

There was a slight pause before Ben started talking again.

”I miss her, man. So much.”

”Ben… I don’t think it’s a good idea. Whatever you’re thinking.” 

”I can’t live without her. I’ve tried. So hard. You know that. I just can’t.” 

It was all she needed to hear. She quickened her pace, almost falling as she ran up the stairs. All she could think was that she needed to get to Ben. No matter what. She needed to see him. Now. 

She slams the door open and rushes in. As she strides towards the balcony, towards _him,_ her heart is beating to the thumping bass as though they were one. She doesn’t see any faces, only moving bodies in neon light, as she searches for him. When she reaches the balcony, everything stops. 

He is standing with his back to her, still chatting with Poe. She can’t hear anything. She can’t see anyone. Anyone but him. 

”Ben!” She yells breathlessly over the music. He instantly turns around and looks at her, mouth agape. Streaks of neon light is reaching his face, reflecting it back to her through his eyes. Much like the night he changed her life. 

She takes the last two steps that are separating them, not wanting to be apart from him a minute more. She grabs his face, pulls him down to her, before pressing her lips against his.


	9. Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is happening, two chapters in two days?? Maybe I should've just put them together as one, but ahhh.. I don't know. I saw your comments on the last one and I just couldn't let you hanging so I went home and wrote. Thank you for your comments!! I appreciate them so much. I hope you like this chapter, it's a bit short. 
> 
> Sending hugs!

He seemed shocked at first, standing frozen in place, but he quickly leaned in to Rey’s touch and kissed her back. His hand rested below her ear, with his thumb caressing her cheek, as their breaths mingled. His other hand drifted to her hip, pulling her closer until there was no space left between them. It wasn’t slow, nor was it comforting. It was desperate. Hungry. Familiar. They had done this before, a lifetime ago. Her breathing quickened, as did his. 

He smelled like a combination of leather and pine, with a minty undertone. It was his conditioner, she remembered. The expensive one he had been embarrassed to show her when she had asked how his hair could possibly be _that_ soft. He smelled like himself, she thought. _Like h_ _ome._

He tasted like beer and smoke. 

Her heart fell to the floor.

She broke off the kiss and leaned her forehead against his, trying to catch her breath. His hands were still on her, burning her skin, while her own arms had fallen down to her sides. His smell was flooding her senses and the beating of his heart against her chest was making it impossible to think. To act properly. The thumping of the bass was getting faster, as well as the beating of her heart.

”You’re drunk,” she stated. 

He closed his eyes and sighed.

”I… No. Maybe.” 

She gulped, trying to swallow her feelings with it. Trying to make herself ready for the heartbreak that was approaching. Ben seemed to notice her change in behavior, but he didn’t back away. He instead buried his face in the crook of her neck, hiding himself from the world while still having a steady grip of her hips. She wanted to bathe in his presence, the closeness of him, but she couldn’t allow herself such luxuries. 

Poe cleared his throat behind Ben, pulling her attention away from him. 

”Uh… I better go. Glad you could come Rey, talk to you later,” he said, quickly trying to run off to leave them alone. 

Ben didn’t pay Poe any attention, he only buried his head deeper to press delicate kisses, so faint they felt like whispers. As much as she knew that she should push him away, that he wasn't himself right now and that he probably would regret this tomorrow, she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to move, to tear herself from his grip that she had longed so much for. All she saw was his black shiny hair reflecting the neon lights that moved to the rhythm of the music. Changing from green, to blue, to pink. _Green, blue, pink._

”Don’t pull away. Don’t leave.” He whispered against her neck, making her skin vibrate as shivers went down her spine. Her limp body began to tremble uncontrollably, as tears ran down her cheeks. It was too much. She had hoped for too much,  _again_. 

He moved his head from her neck to lean his forehead against hers once again. He wiped away her running tears with his thumbs, while staring at her with those deep pools that consisted of raw emotion and longing. If you looked close enough she was sure they would reveal his exact thoughts and emotions. She wasn’t ready for that. 

”Maybe we should take you home,” she said in a try to make him avert his eyes from her. A last try in giving him a chance to pull away. 

”Mmm,” he replied, not breaking his gaze or moving an inch. 

”Did you drive or should I call a cab?” 

”Call a cab,” he mumbled. 

So she did. It didn’t take long before the cab had arrived. She texted Poe explaining that she had left to take Ben home but that she would be back, while walking down the stairs towards the waiting taxi. As they slipped in to the backseat of the car, she remembered that she didn’t know where Ben lived anymore. Did he still live in their old apartment? Or did he move out? 

”Um, Ben? Where do you live?”

”Our place. Couldn't move out,” he said quietly. _Our place._ She swallowed. She leaned forward in her seat to give the driver the address. 

During their ride to their old apartment, _his apartment,_ Ben was leaning his head against her shoulder, making her fight every urge that was telling her to run her fingers through his hair. She sat still, holding her breath the whole ride. She was counting the seconds, not sure what she was really counting for. The short amount of time she had with him _or_ the time that was left before he would disappear from her life again - she didn't know.

___________________________

 

780 seconds. It took 780 seconds to arrive at _his_ apartment. She looked out from the window, feeling the beating of her heart quicken. It was strange, being here again after so long. Despite how long she’d been away, she still remembered everything about the place: the blue anemone flowers that would grow between the cracks of the sidewalk outside the entrance when spring was nearing, the gum on the third step that had become a part of the stairs, Mrs Johnson’s floral curtains that she never changes. 

”Come upstairs,” he slurred beside her. 

”I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she bit her lip, uncertain if she should follow him up or not. 

”Please, Rey.” 

That’s what it took. She didn’t have the power to say no to him, not right now. So she handed the cash to the driver before slipping out from the cab, offering Ben her arm to steady him as they went upstairs to the apartment. When they reached the door, she took a deep breath while he fiddled with the keys trying to open the door. 

She stepped in. The smell of coffee, mint and his perfume hit her like a wall. The smell of him. The smell of her home. The scent made tears prickle at the corner of her eyes. Realizing that she’ll have to leave her home to go back to her place made her her chest ache. 

”It’s different,” she said.

”It’s cold.” 

As he stumbled forward, she noticed he was much drunker than he was leading on. She quickly grabbed his arm to keep him from falling over as he tried to kick off his boots. She stepped out from her shoes too, not wanting to stain the floors as she led him to the bedroom. He let go of her arm to go and sit on the bed, _his side of the bed._ Before Rey had a chance to avert her eyes, to look elsewhere, he started unbuttoning his shirt - revealing his broad ivory chest that was prickled with beauty marks. Beauty marks she had counted in another life. 

”I should go now,” she said and turned around to walk out of the apartment. _Her home._

He instantly stood up and grabbed her arm before she could take another step. 

”No,” he said desperately, _determined_. His dark pools of truth had become glazed with a glassy layer of tears. He pursed his lips tightly, in an attempt to keep his emotions at bay. ”I’m sorry, Rey. For us. For you. For me. So damn sorry. But please don’t leave. Stay,” his lower lip was quivering more and more with every word that slipped out from his mouth. 

”Just stay,” he whispered in a last attempt. 

Her own tears had already dropped from her eyelids and slid down her cheeks. She quickly dried them off with the back of her hand, angry at herself for not being able to control anything in her life. Not the past or the present. She needed him. Afraid that if she left him now would be the end of her, end of them once and for all, she made a decision. 

”Okay.” 


	10. Tries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guuuyyyyys, thank you so much for your comments and kudos!! The story has officially reached above 200 kudos, and shiiit it makes me so happy!! I absolutely LOVE reading your comments and thoughts about the story, it makes it so much easier to write. As I mentioned before, this is is my first story I've written and to be received this way... gah it's amazing. I love you!! 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter, and if you (or don't) let me know! The end is nearing!! 
> 
> There's a Swedish saying: "ta inte ut segern i förskott", that I would like to introduce to you hahah. 
> 
> Sending you hugs!!

She had stayed. Last night he had grabbed her arm and pulled her to bed, convincing her to stay. _Begging_ her even. 

So she stayed. 

He had seemed relieved. _Lighter._ She had felt it too - like there had been a heavy weight lifted from her chest. Being with him had that effect on her. Ben had tried to keep his eyes open, refusing to waste another second with her, but in the end sleep won no matter how much he tried to fight it. While he slept she had spent hours looking at him, soaking him in without daring to touch. He always looked more peaceful in his sleep, less guarded - like he had no worries in the world. The furrow above his brow evened out, his mouth became relaxed, his dark hair flowed freely on the pillow - all making him look _soft_. Before she could catch herself Rey gently brushed a stray hair from his forehead. Even in his sleep, it seemed like he recognized her touch. Ben started fussing, and before she could jerk her hand back, his hand was desperately searching for her body on her side of the bed. When he finally found her, she swore she could hear a content sigh slip out of his lips. Eventually, his even breathing and the warmth that was exuding from him lulled her to sleep. For Rey, Ben was the most beautiful lullaby she had ever known. 

When she woke up he wasn’t in bed. It made her question the decision she had made last night. She wondered if it really was the best move to make, if it was right to stay. She had slept like a baby in his presence, but waking up in _their_ bed without him made her entire body ache. Ache for him, once again. It wasn’t _right._ Had he felt the same, the mornings without her? She reached out to his side, praying that it hadn’t been long since he had woken up and left her. She prayed that his warmth hadn’t left yet. 

It was cold. The drowsiness left her in an instant and she practically jumped out of bed to search for him. As soon as the smell of coffee reached her nostrils she saw him, leaning against the kitchen counter. Rey didn’t expect to be this nervous, but him being drunk last night made her insecure. Would he reject her in the light of day? 

”Morning,” she said while trying to avoid looking at his eyes. She was fiddling with her hands, not even bothering to hide her anxiety. 

”Good morning. Hope you slept well,” he answered softly. He seemed nervous as well, she noticed. He kept running a hand through his hair while evidently searching for the right thing to say. 

”I did.” 

”I made us breakfast,” he said hurriedly. She looked behind him to find that he had indeed cooked them breakfast. _Her favorite_. She had missed this. She had missed having someone that knew everything about her. Someone that knew her better than she knew herself. She had missed _him._

”Thank you.” She meets his eyes and gives him a tentative smile. He motions for her to sit. 

The moment Rey slides into her chair, he lays down an enormous plate of pancakes topped with sliced fruit before her. Neatly sliced fruit that looked like hours had been spent on them, making sure that every piece had the same size as the other. She could almost see it in front of her; him nervously chopping up fruit with an intense focus. 

”Thank you, this is too much!” she tried to protest, but he just smiled and waved his hand in response.

”Aren’t you having any?” 

”Umm, yeah. I forgot to plate up some for myself,” he nervously chuckled. 

His answer was surprising, she was sure that he would say no. That coffee would be more than enough. It had been the Ben she had known. He never ate breakfast, always in a hurry to get to work. Rey remembered how she always tried to make him slow down, take a seat and enjoy the morning with her. He never did. Something she’d longed so much for in the past made her feel a bit uneasy at the moment. Rey wasn’t a big fan of surprises. 

They sat silently for what seemed like an eternity, both searching for words to say to each other. Words that wouldn’t cause more damage. When Rey had finished eating her breakfast in the excruciating silence and when Ben had gulped down two cups of coffee, he finally looked up from his cup and cleared his throat. 

”So… about last night. Maybe we should talk about it?”

”Yeah, all right.” 

There was a slight pause, where he kept rubbing his chin, before he continued.

”Can we try again? I can’t move on without you. I don’t really want to move on without you. I miss you,” he said, only an octave above a whisper. He closed his eyes before uttering the one word that always seemed to break her apart, make her knees give in and her heart leap out of her chest.

”Please?” 

Rey would love to run into his arms and kiss away all the pain, the distance and the years that had separated them from each other. But there was a nagging feeling in her stomach that told her that it wasn’t that _easy_. It couldn’t be. 

”Who is Kira to you?” 

He drew a short breath and visibly gulped upon hearing her question. Rey wasn’t sure if she really wanted to finally hear the answer to the question she had asked him and herself more times than she could count. After all these years of wondering and asking the same question over and over again, she realized that the answer would either make or break her. There was no in between. 

”Kira is… my best friend, I guess. She helped me when you left. I don’t think I would be here without her if I’m being honest. I was a mess, Rey. When you left, that is.” He was rushing through his words like a medical disclaimer, refusing to meet her eyes. Refusing to see her reaction - intent on keeping a distance between his words and his emotions. Remembering back, he was never comfortable with telling people what bothered him. Not even with her. 

”It wasn’t easy,” Rey whispered.

”I know, I know. I don’t blame you for leaving. I get it. I just… wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared to live without you in my life. I’m still not. I know I didn’t treat you right, I know that. I knew it back then as well. I never deserved you. I took out all of my anger and pain on you, because somewhere in my _fucked up_ mind I thought you would be the last one to leave me. That you would be by my side no matter what.”

”I didn’t want to leave.”

”I know.” 

”Did you sleep with her?” 

He dragged a hand through his hair, and took a deep breath before answering her. 

”Yeah, I did.”

Rey felt her heart sink to the floor. The thoughts were accelerating inside her head. Suddenly it seemed like all the air in the room had disappeared. It was nearly impossible to breathe - to think clearly. If she wasn’t sitting, she was sure her knees would give in. 

”Do you have feelings for her?” 

”No!” He instantly answered. ”I just… I don’t know. I needed to numb myself, somehow. The memories of us, of _you_ , was slowly suffocating me. I couldn’t sleep for so long and sometimes it would help. Most of the times it didn’t.” 

Rey sat silent for a while, chewing her lip nervously while trying to gather her thoughts. She wanted to give in, she wanted to lose herself in his words and in the depth of his eyes. She wanted to come home. Still, there was something holding her back. 

”Ben, I can’t compete with her.” 

”You’re not. You never have.” He was shaking his head, trying to convince her that he was telling her the truth. 

And she was believing him. 

”I miss you too, Ben.” She wanted to tell him more, because those three words couldn’t nearly describe what she felt for him. She wanted to tell him that he’s the light of her life. She wanted to tell him that she couldn’t take a proper breath without him by her side. But her throat tightened, making it impossible to utter another single word. 

So she stood up, strode over to his side of the table, and put her hands on either of his cheeks. She begins pressing kisses to the beauty marks on his temples. She presses her lips slowly against the marks, one after one, down to his cheeks to follow the beauty marks lower on his jaw, as if they were leading a path to a treasure. Finally, she presses a single kiss to the tip of his nose before leaning in so that her forehead rests against his. He closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. Rey takes the opportunity to really look at him, to get to know him again. Too see what she had missed. What marks time had left behind.

She was scared of what she would find. 

When she feels her heart in her throat and the tears threatening to fall, Rey gently leans in and kisses Ben’s warm lips.

If she didn’t look too closely Rey could _almost_ pretend that no time had passed. 


	11. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry for not updating sooner. This is the first time I've attempted to write something and sometimes you just feel like everything you have written is total shit so yeah. I've had a dip. But here's the last chapter and I hope you like it. I love reading your thoughts and honestly, you inspire me so much. There's actually a part that is fully inspired by your discussion in the comments of the previous chapter. As usual there might be some typos etc etc. Oh and I've started to edit some old chapters, adding some things and yeah.. just editing. Not done with it yet though, but yep.
> 
> Oh, and I actually went to New York for a week and saw Burn This during my trip! Adam Driver's performance was breathtaking as usual, but I couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed in the play altogether. Have you seen it? If you have, what did you think of it? 
> 
> And most importantly, I wanted to thank you so much for reading, commenting, and giving me kudos. I am beyond grateful. You guys are amazing.

Things were different. 

His eyes wouldn’t search for hers when hearing something amusing. His hand wouldn’t squeeze hers when he was feeling anxious. His body wouldn’t search for her in his sleep. 

_Not like before._

Things were different. 

Weeks went by and the more they spent time together, the more she noticed that things had changed. He had changed. Somewhere along the way, during these years apart, he had stopped needing her. A couple of months ago, barefoot in the snow, he had begged her to not forget him. She knew that wouldn’t be a possibility. Not for her. Not when she was always somehow stuck in the past. But that didn’t mean that he hadn’t. That he hadn’t forgotten about her. He might not even be aware of it, but he had. His body had. 

Ben had moved on. _Without her._

And she couldn’t really blame him for that. 

That’s the peculiar thing about _time._ It can be spent. It can be wasted. It can fly. It can heal. But it will always go by. 

They say time is the longest distance between two places. A distance that keeps on expanding infinitely. 

 _A distance that keeps on expanding infinitely._ Like a chain reaction. Like meeting an old friend after being years apart and suddenly realizing that you don’t really have anything in common anymore. Only memories. But even that starts to matter less when time is linear. Those memories you share will become a smaller share of your memories as time goes on. Which it will. Infinitely. So you stop seeing them, to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being friends but also strangers. This, as a result, will only increase the speed in which the distance grows. And if the distance was increasing linearly before, it is more than definitely increasing exponentially now. And because time is not finite, the distance will keep on growing while the share of your common memories will keep on getting smaller.

_Infinitely smaller._

So leaving him, putting an ocean between them, was basically only a transportation of a body from one place to another. The true distance between them was the time apart. And for that, she couldn't blame him. Not when it was she who was the cause of that. 

It didn’t make things hurt any less though. 

She kept on searching for Ben. Well, an older version of Ben. _Her_ Ben.

But sometimes they were good. So good that it almost felt like no time had passed. Like there was no distance. No gap between _then_ and _now._ It would only last a minute or so, but it reignited something in her that she refused to lose her grip on. 

It mostly happened when they were fucking. Maybe she should call it ’making love’ but if she really was being honest with herself, it was _fucking._ They had done that a lot lately. Fucking, that is. It was the only time where she felt connected to him and maybe he noticed. Maybe he felt the same. They were both chasing something, not necessarily the climax but something more unachievable. And for a moment, when he desperately cried out her name in need, she felt like she had caught that _something_ she was chasing.

 _It only lasted a minute or so,_ because before she knew it she would be remember that not long ago another name had slipped out of that mouth. Another name had been panted out in need. A name that didn’t belong to her. 

He had once told her that you couldn’t fake attraction.

’ _There’s a difference between attraction and love. One is fleeting, the other one is constant.’_ He had explained. 

Somehow that didn’t help. It only made it worse. 

 

___________________________

 

_Three weeks ago_

_They stood outside the mexican restaurant Poe had chosen. She was sweating. Her hands were clammy, and she knew Ben could feel it as well. Rey released his hand to wipe them off on her jeans._

_”You okay?” He was looking at her with furrowed brows._

_”Yeah! It’s just a bit hot, isn’t it?” She said quickly and forced a smile on her face. He slowly nodded in response, not fully convinced. She noticed that he was torn between saying something or just go along with her apparent lie. He was frowning, but in the end he decided to drop it._

_She took a deep breath, smoothed out a non-existing wrinkle from her blouse and wiped her hands on her jeans one last time before deciding that it was time._

_”Let’s go in, we’re already late.”_

_He didn’t say anything back to her, he just put his hand on the small of her back as they walked in._

_Poe had called them earlier this week and invited them to dinner, and at the time it seemed nice. A good idea, even. But walking in to the restaurant where they were waiting, being the first time seeing them since she and Ben had gotten back together, felt like walking into the lion’s den. She knew Finn was hesitant to the fact of them getting back together, and that Poe thought it was a bad idea. Actually, the only one that seemed to approve was Kira. That didn’t make it any easier meeting her again._

_”Ben! Rey! Over here!” Poe called from across the restaurant._

_Rey quickly plastered on her brightest smile as they strode towards them. The closer they got to their table, the faster her heart was beating. She fought against the urge to wipe her hands off on her jeans once again._

_His hand was steadily leading her forward, to suddenly disappear when they approached the table and it was time to say their hello and give everyone a quick hug._

_And from that point forward, the night was a blur. Blurred by her anxiety. She tried to participate in the conversation they were having, tried to laugh at the right time or nod when it was expected. But she wasn’t really participating in the conversation, she was only reacting to them talking. They were laughing because something was funny. She was laughing because they were._

_Time went by and the uneasiness spread like a wildfire through her being._

_Out of the corner of her eye, she could see how Kira was laughing at something Ben had said. How Ben’s eyes crinkled when he laughed when she opened her mouth to say something back to him. How he laughed with his whole being. How she leaned forward to slap his arm playfully._

_’Take your hands off him!’ she wanted to yell. She wanted to pull him away from her. She wanted to beg her to leave him be. Explain that he’s the only one she ever loved._

_She knew that she was being irrational. She knew that it wasn’t her fault. She knew that he regretted being with Kira. He had told her so many times. Too many times. But that didn’t erase the image from her mind. No - the moaning, the panting, the utter need that she had heard through the other side of the door was replaying over and over in her head._

_She was busy fighting a war inside her mind, when Rey noticed that the table had gone quiet waiting for her answer._

_”Rey? You’ve barely eaten. Everything okay?”_

_”Oh! Yeah, yeah. I had a big lunch, that’s why I’m not that hungry,” she lied through her teeth. She felt Ben’s searching eyes bore into her._

_He touched her knee, an act that was meant to be reassuring but only made her feel like she was going to get sick. She quickly brushed his hand off to stand up._

_”Um, gotta go to the bathroom. Be right back.”_

_A second later, she heard Ben stand up and mutter a ’sorry’ to quickly follow her. When he reached her, he pulled her into the bathroom and locked the door before she could protest._

_”What are you doing?” she hissed at him._

_”You won’t talk to me. To anyone actually. What’s the matter?” His eyes were still searching for hers, but she refused to meet them._

_They were both quiet for a moment, but she couldn’t hold it in anymore._

_”Did she make your heart beat faster than I could?”_

_”Stop it. That’s not fair. I’ve told you how much I love you and how much I regret it. Have I even once asked you how many guys you’ve been with during those years?”_

_”Well I can tell you if you want to! But you know that isn’t the same, Ben!”_

_”Fuck, I don’t want to know! Just- ” He takes a deep breath. ”Just tell me what I can do to make it better. I’ll do anything.” He looked exhausted and for that she hated herself._

_She rose to her tiptoes and grabbed his collar to kiss him. She wanted that feeling, that belonging - even if it only lasted for a minute. Hell, she would be satisfied even if it only lasted a second._

_He answers her kiss almost desperately, because he too is chasing something. Constantly searching. He grabs her hips and pushes her against the wall, while she reaches down to unbuckle his belt. She tugs at the button of his jeans but they won’t give in. He impatiently moves her hands and pulls them down himself. She quickly tugs down her own jeans and underwear and before she knows it, she has her legs wrapped around him as he pushes inside her._

_There’s nothing romantic about it._

_”Look at me,” he says breathily._

_She shakes her head, refusing to meet his gaze._

_”Look at me, Rey!”  He’s not asking anymore, but she still ignores him - only focused on chasing that moment of belonging._

_He stops moving._

_He pulls out and puts her down. He quickly pulls up his jeans, drags a hand through his hair and turns his back on her._

_”Fuck, It shouldn’t be like this,” he mutters._

_And she agrees._

_It shouldn’t be like this._  

_____________________________

 

They were sitting across from each other at his dining table. He had coffee in one hand, and his phone in the other. Both were barely awake, still groggy from sleep. 

She was looking at him, really inspecting him thoroughly. She wondered if maybe, _maybe,_  if she looked hard enough she would find him. Find the man she fell in love with. The man she loved. 

As if feeling that he was being watched, he slowly looked up at her with a tentative smile. 

”What?” 

And it was in that moment she understood why she was so utterly terrified of meeting his eyes. What had made her so reluctant. 

They told the truth. They had always done so. 

”Nothing.” She forced a smile on her face. 

Looking at him, she was reminded of what he had told her when she was packing her bags to leave him three years ago. _’You’re a taker Rey. You take and take and take until there’s nothing left. Nothing left of me. And now you’re looking at me as if I’m not there and I keep telling you that I’m here. I am here!’_ And maybe he was right back then. That she was a taker. That she took and took and took and that is why the man in front of her now was a stranger. 

”So… I was wondering if you wanted to move back in? Thought it might be convenient? I mean, before you- you know- you lived here so.” 

She couldn’t hold it in anymore. The tears she had tried to keep in, spilled down her cheeks. For the first time in a while she was meeting his gaze and she noticed that his own eyes welled with tears. 

He knew. 

His lower lip quivered as he looked away. 

They were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

”You can’t love me. No matter how much you want to.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. No sound. Only silence, which was an answer enough. The tears kept flowing, as she sat there drinking him in. Knowing that this was goodbye, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him. 

”Please don’t,” he choked out. ”I feel helpless when you cry.” 

”I should go.” 

He swallowed and then slowly nodded. 

Ben followed her to the door, and as she was about to open the door she looked back at him. The sight tugged at her heart. He wiped away the tears that had fallen with the back of his hand when he thought she wasn’t looking. 

”Do you think we would still be together today if I hadn’t left?”

He looked defeated. It took him a while to answer and when she thought he wouldn’t say anything, he opened his mouth. 

”I don’t know. Probably.”  

She took a deep breath. 

”And would we have been happy?” 

”Maybe.”  

In that moment she was sure of only one thing;

That everything has an end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is it huh? It was really difficult writing this last chapter. But it felt like it wouldn't do the story and the characters justice if it ended differently. Fuck, it really hurts not having a happy ending!! Trust me!! 
> 
> Thank you once again for reading. Love you all.


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